My Everyday Legend 1

I woke up this morning and found that I was the last living man left on earth. This came as quite a shock, as one might imagine, but after an hour or so I found it to be a very pleasant development indeed. Just think about it, no more having to deal with the idiotic whims of others ever again. No more lines, no more jobs, no more customers, no more traffic, etc. My very own paradise personified.

Now after a short time of bewilderment I decided to take a nice long shower. Knowing full well that without maintenance workers hot running water was not going to last long. I also decided I would do this in the house next door. I've lived only 20 feet from this house and never before entered it. Stuffy and smelled like old people. They did have a nice shower however, with a seat and removable shower head. Forgot my shampoo and not wanting to smell like old person hair I went back next door (nude) and grabbed my Herbal Essences. I finished my shower and found a nice suit in the neighbor's closet to wear for the day. Classy.

The next step was to make a list of things I would need and a list of things I’d always wanted.

That list follows:

Gas powered generators

Gasoline

Food

New house(s)

Guns (?)

Cars (tractor trailer full of sports cars)

Electronics

Video games

TVs

Cameras (video and still)

DVDs

Boat

Porn

That was just a rough list of what I was going to try to procure but the first step I took was scouring my neighborhood for the nicest car. It was of course the black Lotus in the garage across the street. After getting distracted while looking for the keys (stumbled upon a small box of sex tapes featuring my former neighbor, his wife, and another woman). I took the lotus out on the nearly empty freeway. After scaring the shit out of my self by trying to max the speedometer I decided that I should find more of a cruiser to do my supply collecting. Something like a 1968 Pontiac Firebird?

After finding more suitable transportation I decided to head to the mall. After all, the thing I hated most a bout the mall was all the people and that would obviously not be an issue any more.

To be continued…

How To Act Whilst Viewing A Film+4 Ten Word Movie Reviews

I love movies. I love renting movies, Netflix-ing movies, and most of all going to the movie theater. I see an average of 2 movies a week so I experience a lot of what I call "audience issues". In simple terms audience issues can be boiled down to one thing: assholes...and idiots...2 things. Here are a 2 unspoken rules of the theater that some people seem to have never learned.

1. Shut the FUCK up!

I'm here to watch and possibly enjoy a movie and that is made nearly impossible when the person in front of you or behind wants to talk about how their day is going or some such shit. Look if you must talk at least whisper. Also never talk to someone that is not sitting directly next to you. Seriously last time I went to a movie some stupid fake'n baked chick kept yelling down to the end of the row. She literally said: "hey...Hey...HEY...what's up?" God damn it! What the hell could she possibly be thinking. If you want to have a conversation go to a fucking Starbucks or some other douche bag gathering place. Another thing don’t verbally guess what's going to happen next in the movie. It does not make you cool that you know that there are zombies coming when the music picks up (just one example but you get the point).

2. Turn off Your Mother Fuck Cell Phone

They tell you at least 4 times before the movie starts so there is no excuse. If there is a situation in your life that you can't be unavailable to answer your phone then you should not be in a movie. Period. Text messages count too folks. I hate when I'm trying to watch and someone flashes their cell phone light in my eyes so they can read a text. Even worst is someone who answers their phone in the middle of the film. NEVER EVER DO THIS!! YOU FUCKS!! There was a guy at a showing I was at a few weeks ago that answered his phone during a death scene and said "What's up dude? ...not much just watching a movie..." NOT MUCH?! "JUST" WATCHING A MOVIE?! There are no curses in any language that express my hate for this man.

phew

venting over

now reviews

in ten words

or less

The Invention of Lying

Ricky Gervais being not funny enough. Jennifer Garner hot. Rent.

Pandorum

Better than you think. Amazing twist. Go see it soon.

Law Abiding Citizen

Seemed good, wasn't, could have been. Terrible end. Skip it.

Zombieland

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. See it NOW!

Better reviews in the future.

Hopefully.