Fuck. Shit. Sigh. Hell yes.

I recently decided that I really needed to quit my job. I spent a few days getting up the courage to tell my bosses that I felt it time to move on. After doing so I realized the only thing that was stopping me from going now was myself.

Fuck.

There are only 2 things in the world I dislike more than my job right now, The Twilight movies/books and looking for another damn job. You see job hunting brings to light that which I try to keep under wraps deep in my "uncomfortable thought" part of the brain. You know down there with "What happens when I die?" and every memory involving going into a mens locker room.

The question that comes to me during job hunting is one that tends to screw with my head big time: What is it that I want to do with my life?

Shit.

That is a question that if i am actually asked by another person I might respond with "Write and direct movies" or "become a filmmaker" But when I think harder on it I ask myself why do I want to do these things. Is there some story need I to tell? Do i simply need to feel like I'm being heard? Does it have to do with the fact that during childhood I live in such secluded self induced isolation that I created a personality that can only see the world through the eyes of cinema?

*Sigh*

I really don't know. What's worst is these sort of thought tend to make me question if that is truly what I want to do and again I don't know. I do know that I have trouble communicating my feelings and thoughts through face to face interactions. I would much rather write a tweet text, blog, or short story. I would rather have a character tell my life story in a movie than tell someone myself.

Insecurity?

Hell yes.

The fact that I am at once confident in who I am but have no idea who I want to be is a great source of anxiety in life. I often wonder if this is a universal human problem. It ties in to a fear of what's to come. The future whether it's the prospect of a new job or prospect of trying to find your identity will alway be frightening.

But for now I need to focus and remember that perhaps I can get a new job without the untold emotional trauma of answering lifes most difficult questions.

Here's hoping.

Sex Toy Inequality

Last night I went to Castle to visit my friend Jones. While there he proceeded to show me a plethora of sex toys and sex related memorabilia. There were anal beads, butt plugs, pussy pumps, cock rings, nipple clamps, and all sizes and shapes of dildos. Also a small (relatively) selection of "Male Masturbatory Aids"/"Pocket Pussies" or, as Jones calls them, "Life Partners" (If you don't laugh at that you're a twat). The variety of these devices is impressive at first but when one thinks about it (like perhaps only I would) the ratio of male sex toys to female sex toys is very lopsided. There are at least 4 times as many toys for straight women as there are for straight men. Now this brings up the fact that there is a much greater stigma towards men who use objects to get off then there is toward women who do.

Why?

Either way it's "unnatural" and uncouth". The bottom line is you, as a human, are fucking something not human. It is that simple. It is a device who's sole purpose is to go into something or have something go into it until someone cums. Whether the person is man or woman should have no weight in this discussion. Right?

Another bottom line is that I kind of want a "Male Masturbatory Aid" but I can't seem to get over the mental block that says it's wrong. I might make it a new years resolution to get one. Just for the simple fact that it would force me to get out of a comfort zone and do something crazy.

Also I can fuck it.

Is that so wrong?

Also I may already have one...

^STEVE^

Angry Resolution

I have reached a crossroads. Too long i have sat idle and let my life suck ass. i have let assholes shit on me and let shallow bitches cut out my heart. I've chased some unreachable white rabbit of happiness according to the damned Cleavers. I've let mindless rituals consume my free time and rob my treasure chest of happiness. I've sulked, sad-ed, and bitched around my room in unexplainable retarded sadness.

No

More.

Fuck assholes.

Fuck shallow bitches.

Fuck white rabbits.

F!U!C!K! the Cleavers.

Fuck mindless rituals that I hate.

And FUCK retarded sadness.

I'm going to play Dungeons and Dragons because it's fun and I like it. if you got a problem you can go eat a cock. I'm going to pass on drinking when I don't feel like it because I don't have to get drunk to have fun. I'm going get shit faced drunk from time to time because sometimes it is fun. I'm going to like that "fat" girl because she's nice and talks to me. Not to mention she's not stuck up like so many skinny cunts. I am going to stop stressing about my virginity and at some point am going to have sex with a girl and it will most likely be awkward and awesome. I'm going to find a job that I like and not let "the way the world works" and "because that's what everyone does" get in the way of me being happy. I'm going to write my scripts whether or not anyone ever reads them because that makes me happy. I am going to enjoy my life and the way i choose to live it. I am going to love my true friends and my family. Don't try and stop me!

My Christmas Spirit

It's very cold outside and the sun is just barely breaking over the horizon. I've been up all night in feverish anticipation but you would never be able to tell it. My brothers and I are jumping around and almost shaking with excitement. We've been waiting in our room for that exact moment our parents told us we should wake up. We've all jumped into the bed with them to wake them and they have instructed us to stay in the hallway and wait for my dad to come get us. We stand as close to the end of the hall as we possibly can, jockeying for the best position. My dad seems to take hours to set up his video camera but finally we hear "OK boys, come on!". There are no words to express the feelings and the joy of the next few moments. Between seeing the lit up Christmas tree with piles of gifts under and four little piles of toys set out for each of us. There are gasps, screams, and my mother's eyes are full of joyful tears. Even the rock solid foundation of our family, my father, is a little glassy eyed. In between sifting through our toys and waiting for the signal to tear into the wrapped gifts there are hugs and "I love you"s for everyone. The one moment a year that no one is afraid to admit how important we all are to each other.

That is the way I remember my first 8-9 Christmas mornings. Those memories and feelings are, to me, the essence of "Christmas Spirit". As the innocence of childhood has faded it has become harder to capture that feeling. I find myself doing odd things in an attempt to find some this so-called Christmas magic. I go shopping listen to Christmas songs and bake cookies and drink eggnog and hangout with my siblings and family. I find great happiness in buying gifts and looking at the lights. I also donate money or time to charity to and find myself very empathetic to the plight of others. I even cry during Christmas movies! (It's a Wonderful Life anyone?) All of this is atypical to my normal behavior. But why? Why do I find all this acceptable only in December? Perhaps it's because every year for fleeting moments I feel exactly like I did when I ran out of that hallway. Something that, for me, is completely and utterly priceless.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

The Fourth Kind Review

I want to start off by saying that growing up, me and my father used to watch numerous shows and documentaries on alien abductions and UFO phenomenon. As a result I developed a fear of being taken in my sleep by extraterrestrials (no shit it used to scare the hell out of me) Something I have since grown out of. But I still hold a fondness for all things alien. But it give me a predisposition for liking alien themed movies and books.

The Fourth Kind is another Pseudo-doc movie that blends "real archival footage" with dramatized scenes. Milla Jovovich plays Dr. Abigail Emily Tyler, a psychologist, who practices in Nome, Alaska. After the mysterious death of her husband (in the bed right next to her) decides to continue with his research as a way to cope with his death. The project (psychological research) relating to a large number of Nome I want to start off by saying that growing up me and my father used to watch numerous shows and documentaries on alien abductions and UFO phenomenon. As a result I developed a fear of being taken in my sleep by extraterrestrials (no shit my biggest fear as a kid). Something I have since grown out of. But I still hold a fondness for all things alien and unexplained. But it gives me a predisposition for liking alien themed movies and books.

The Fourth Kind is another Pseudo-doc movie that blends "real archival footage" with dramatized scenes. Milla Jovovich plays Dr. Abigail Emily Tyler, a psychologist, who practices in Nome, Alaska. After the mysterious death of her husband (in the bed right next to her) decides to continue with his research as a way to cope with his death. The project (psychological research) relating to a large number of Nome residents having chronic sleep issues. As she interviews them she finds that they are all awoken around the same time by what they describe as an owl (a creepy fucking owl). She decides to hypnotize one of them and gets an extreme reaction. The rest of the story unfolds through more hypnotism and the slow unveiling of what is interpreted as nightly alien abductions. The movie is presented through a blend of both "real" and re-enacted footage. Many of the key scenes are viewed in split-screen. Cutting to only real footage for the most intense moments. The effect is largely effective. The fact that there is a possibility that the things you are seeing could have really happened add a lot to the movie. However the story does have some pacing issues. A few moments that have great build up, fall flat. The acting in the dramatic portion is good, not great. There are many interesting issues brought up in the film including ancient aliens and extraterrestrial god theory that (predisposition) are interesting enough to make some of the slower scenes move.

The biggest gripe I have with this movie is that end. (BIG SPOILERS TO FOLLOW)

One of the last scenes in the movie (one of many that I thought was THE final) we find out that Abigail's husband killed himself. The reason I have a problem with this is that you got the sense that that was the case the entire movie but that something involving the abductions was to blame. But that is never suggested. In the end it comes back as a way to discount everything that Dr. Tyler has been saying throughout the movie. It is suggested that she hallucinated her husbands’ murder and therefore could be lying about it all. It sort of feels like the "twist" is just a way of telling you "ha ha, it all could be bullshit".

With the end and pacing issues aside I was entertained by this one. There is definitely a need to suspend some disbelieve in regards to the "real footage" but if you do you get a movie that at times is very creepy and leaves you with some juicy things to debate ant discuss with your friends. I would recommend anyone who is interested in UFOs or Abduction Theory to goes see this one. If you are not that interested in that sort of thing I would say wait and rent it. having chronic sleep issues. As she interviews them she finds that they are all awoken around the same time by what they describe as an owl (a creepy fucking owl). She decides to hypnotize one of them and gets an extreme reaction. The rest of the story unfolds through more hypnotism and the slow unveiling of what is interpreted as nightly alien abductions.

The movie is presented through a blend of both "real" and re-enacted footage. Many of the key scenes are viewed in split-screen. Cutting to only real footage for the most intense moments. the effect is largely effective. The fact that there is a possibility that the things you are seeing could have really happened add a lot to the movie. However the story does have some pacing issues. A few moments that have great build up, fall flat. The acting in the dramatic portion is good, not great. There are many interesting issues brought up in the film including ancient aliens and extraterrestrial god theory that (predisposition) are interesting enough to make some of the slower scenes move.

The biggest gripe I have with this movie is that end. (BIG SPOILERS TO FOLLOW)

One of the last scenes in the movie (one of many that I thought was THE final) we find out that Abigail's husband killed himself. The reason I have a problem with this is that you got the sense that that was the case the entire movie but that something involving the abductions was to blame. But that is never suggested. In the end it comes back as a way to discount everything that Dr. Tyler has been saying throughout the movie. It is suggested that she hallucinated her husbands murder and therefore could be lying about it all. It sort of feels like the "twist" is just a way of telling you "ha ha, it all could be bullshit".

With the end and pacing issues aside I was entertained by this one. There is definitely a need to suspend some disbelieve in regards to the "real footage" but if you do you get a movie that at times is very creepy and leaves you with some juicy things to debate ant discuss with your friends. I would recommend anyone who is interested in UFOs or Abduction Theory to goes see this one. If you are not that interested in that sort of thing I would say wait and rent it.

Paranormal Activity Review (spoilers)

My hopes were very high for this one. The marketing was fucking brilliant made everyone think that missing this movie in theaters would be a huge mistake. In actual fact the mistake lies in spending nine fucking buck to see this piece of shit. The story revolves around a couple and a demon. The husband starts to film everyday activity to try to catch "paranormal activity" most of which happens at night. The scenes where the couple are sleeping and strange things happen in the room are actually good (chilling) but the problem is that they only last about thirty seconds. Then we are thrown back into some scene of the couple arguing or the husband trying to bone on camera. The entire movie builds up to these scary scenes and then when they come they're gone in an instant. Leaves me with some major movie blue balls. Also the character of the husband is totally unlikeable. So when the climax comes and he is killed you couldn't care less.

DO NOT PAY TO SEE THIS MOVIE. Wait until it comes out on video and make a friend rent it for you.

My Everyday Legend 2

It's been a little less than 2 weeks since I discovered I was the last man on earth. Things have been great (mostly). I spent the first few days collecting supplies and finding a place to set up my new home. A great place right on the water. It’s got a huge balcony over looking the yard and dock. I also have found a great boat that I can take down the river to go "shopping". It's been getting a little cold outside though so I have been using the cars more and more. I have pretty much everything I NEED now I go out for mostly comfort items. I think I have at least 600 DVDs by now. Only 40 or so are porn.

To my surprise the electricity lasted a good week and to days. It know comes on and off with random frequency. I have been setting up a radio tower (sort of) to see if I can get any signals. As much as I try to occupy my mind with doing all the cool stuff an empty city has to offer, I still find my self asking "what the fuck happened here?" But those thought rarely linger. I also found a dog. Some sort of mutt that had made his way on to one of the rivers little island. He was so helpless. I had to do something and now he just sort of stays with me. Gives me someone to talk to at least. There have been some strange things going on around sunset and sunrise. Strange winds and noises coming from far away. Might be my imagination. But sometimes I'm really glad to have the dog for the shallow comfort. It goes farther than you can imagine.