My Everyday Legend 1

I woke up this morning and found that I was the last living man left on earth. This came as quite a shock, as one might imagine, but after an hour or so I found it to be a very pleasant development indeed. Just think about it, no more having to deal with the idiotic whims of others ever again. No more lines, no more jobs, no more customers, no more traffic, etc. My very own paradise personified.

Now after a short time of bewilderment I decided to take a nice long shower. Knowing full well that without maintenance workers hot running water was not going to last long. I also decided I would do this in the house next door. I've lived only 20 feet from this house and never before entered it. Stuffy and smelled like old people. They did have a nice shower however, with a seat and removable shower head. Forgot my shampoo and not wanting to smell like old person hair I went back next door (nude) and grabbed my Herbal Essences. I finished my shower and found a nice suit in the neighbor's closet to wear for the day. Classy.

The next step was to make a list of things I would need and a list of things I’d always wanted.

That list follows:

Gas powered generators

Gasoline

Food

New house(s)

Guns (?)

Cars (tractor trailer full of sports cars)

Electronics

Video games

TVs

Cameras (video and still)

DVDs

Boat

Porn

That was just a rough list of what I was going to try to procure but the first step I took was scouring my neighborhood for the nicest car. It was of course the black Lotus in the garage across the street. After getting distracted while looking for the keys (stumbled upon a small box of sex tapes featuring my former neighbor, his wife, and another woman). I took the lotus out on the nearly empty freeway. After scaring the shit out of my self by trying to max the speedometer I decided that I should find more of a cruiser to do my supply collecting. Something like a 1968 Pontiac Firebird?

After finding more suitable transportation I decided to head to the mall. After all, the thing I hated most a bout the mall was all the people and that would obviously not be an issue any more.

To be continued…

How To Act Whilst Viewing A Film+4 Ten Word Movie Reviews

I love movies. I love renting movies, Netflix-ing movies, and most of all going to the movie theater. I see an average of 2 movies a week so I experience a lot of what I call "audience issues". In simple terms audience issues can be boiled down to one thing: assholes...and idiots...2 things. Here are a 2 unspoken rules of the theater that some people seem to have never learned.

1. Shut the FUCK up!

I'm here to watch and possibly enjoy a movie and that is made nearly impossible when the person in front of you or behind wants to talk about how their day is going or some such shit. Look if you must talk at least whisper. Also never talk to someone that is not sitting directly next to you. Seriously last time I went to a movie some stupid fake'n baked chick kept yelling down to the end of the row. She literally said: "hey...Hey...HEY...what's up?" God damn it! What the hell could she possibly be thinking. If you want to have a conversation go to a fucking Starbucks or some other douche bag gathering place. Another thing don’t verbally guess what's going to happen next in the movie. It does not make you cool that you know that there are zombies coming when the music picks up (just one example but you get the point).

2. Turn off Your Mother Fuck Cell Phone

They tell you at least 4 times before the movie starts so there is no excuse. If there is a situation in your life that you can't be unavailable to answer your phone then you should not be in a movie. Period. Text messages count too folks. I hate when I'm trying to watch and someone flashes their cell phone light in my eyes so they can read a text. Even worst is someone who answers their phone in the middle of the film. NEVER EVER DO THIS!! YOU FUCKS!! There was a guy at a showing I was at a few weeks ago that answered his phone during a death scene and said "What's up dude? ...not much just watching a movie..." NOT MUCH?! "JUST" WATCHING A MOVIE?! There are no curses in any language that express my hate for this man.

phew

venting over

now reviews

in ten words

or less

The Invention of Lying

Ricky Gervais being not funny enough. Jennifer Garner hot. Rent.

Pandorum

Better than you think. Amazing twist. Go see it soon.

Law Abiding Citizen

Seemed good, wasn't, could have been. Terrible end. Skip it.

Zombieland

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. See it NOW!

Better reviews in the future.

Hopefully.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen Expectations

The Autobots have been working with the government to kill the remainder of the of the Decepticons left after the death of Megatron. Sam is going to college and hoping to leave his battling robot days behind. Then surprise Megatron is alive and there is a new giant war coming to earth and Sam is the key to everything. Opitmus Prime dies, stuff blows up, people run, slow motion, we end up in Egypt, Sam dies then doesn't, Optimus prime lives, good guys win. As if there could possibly be anything unpredictable about a giant summer movie. I didn't hate it though, for the following reasons. Shia LeBouf. I think he is really likable and plays the mister run away, key to everything, get the way to hot girl, guy really well. It was also entertaining...if you could get past a lot of ham fisted attempts at humor, racists caricatures, unlikable supporting players, completely predictable summer movie brain melting explode-a-thons, and complete lack of real human drama. If you really liked the toys, the tv show or the first Transformers, you MIGHT like this one...or hate it. It's hard to say. The effects are OK. Pretty much everyone but the mains are terrible. Sams new room mate is almost unbearably annoying and in the back of your head you want him to be stomped to death by a Decepticon. There is also a lot more of Sam's parents in fallen and for some reason they have turned in to disgusting horny pot heads. You lose all attachment to them and then when they come back for the emotional climax and it fizzles. Also there are far too many transformers for you to really care which ones live or die. In the first one you really felt for the robots, which was one of the reasons I liked it. This movie proves that movies only need have a few thousand expolsions and a hot girl to make a billion dollars in the movie industry today. Such low expections. Sad Times.

So I'll use a scale of nerdboners for this one and Transformers 2: Revenge to the Fallen gets a 2 out of 5 (and the two are more chubbies than full blown Stallones)

Worst Customers Ever Pt. 3, The Finale/The Posers

Posers
There are so many types of posers that I'm going to break them down into 3 sub categories .

Peace Posers
These are the literally hundreds of people, who are obviously Bush-loving ignorant idiots, that for some reason now want to have peace signs on everything they own. They don't care about the war they just want to be trendy. It's ridiculous to suddenly start saying that you love peace and want to support it when a year ago you defended water boarding and invading Iran. Peace is not just a symbol you fucking r'tards. Peace is an ideal and if you support it then support it but don't be a poser. Please push that shiny new peace pin into your eyes and then drive blindly into traffic.

MMA Posers

Fucking guys who wear Tapout shirts. If your an mma fighter then cool (please don't beat me up) but if your not then never wear that shirt. You look like a douche and in fact are a douche. Seriously it's not that cool to look like a sweaty oily man hulk that is going to get his face punched in (or do some face punching) unless you are in fact that very thing (again please don't arm bar me or something). Another thing if you're fat and wear one of those shirts then you just look like a handler of sweaty oily man hulks. Even more gay! Please pick a fight with a real MMA fighter and remember to keep your hands LOW.

Hipster/Counter-culture Posers
These Fucking people. They have this I'm so fucking cool and ahead of trends that it's a pleasure for you to meet me. Get fucked. Listen Sven or whatever your stupid douche name is, you may listen to terrible indie music and wear retro shirts but you are not a rebel. Most of you idiot are far from counter culture. It doesn't count if you bought your retro shirt at the mall with money you got from working at The GAP. The only reason you wear a Andy Warhol shirt or talk about how much you hate MTV is because you think it will make people like you and you'll be accepted by the culture you "hate" so much. Also you can't be a counter culture hipster that works a Wal-Mart. Period. Or shops there. Period. Please wear you "cool" and "retro" outfit in to the wrong neighborhood and get shot.

Now I think I'll just list some other more specific customers that I hate

Kids
Super-old and senile people
Drunks
Most everyone buying body jewelry
People who think Weed The Game is ''cool''
People who ride Razor scooter and are not 5 years old
Pissy middle aged women
Pissy middle aged men
Tri-cities "Gangstas"
People who throw things in the store
People who want things off the wall then don't buy them
People who return things
People who ask why?
Guys with no shirts on
Jail bait
People with accents other then Irish, Scottish, English, and Australian
Girls who "think" they can pull off a tube top
Horny methheads
Methheads in general
Crackheads
Neo-Nazis
Way-too-gay guys (look I get it your gay that's fine. Take it easy, eh?)
People who I can't decide whether they are crack heads or mentally handicapped
The mentally handicapped (Without handlers. Harsh but it's scary you know?)
Idiots
Jackasses
Bitches
Fuckers
and
Most everyone else...

Randel: Yeah, I hate the customers at the video store too.
Dante: Which ones?
Randel: All of them...
-Clerks

Worst Customers Ever Pt. 2: Electric Boogaloo

More of the worst customers ever:

Juggalos
Fans of some of the worst fucking music in the world, The Insane Clown Posse (and their ilk). They never seem to have showered or care to ever shower. A particularly horrible fact considering they all wear black fucking clothes and walk everywhere (too poor for cars and too dumb for jobs). Worst BO ever. Seriously sometimes you can smell them before you ever see them. They Always have one idiot blaring some terrible rap/rock bullshit. The stupid hatchet man is on everything they wear. They are also obsessed with Faygo soda. Therein lies my joy. We used to carry Faygo soda until last year when the supplier went out of business. Now I take great pleasure in telling these idiots that we don't have it and you probably can't get it in the state anymore.
Please blare your terrible music until you bleed to death out of your ears.

Idiot Parents
Listen if you are irresponsible enough to have a little idiot version of yourself, you must now take care of it. I make minimum wage to come here and sell you stupid shit and fold shirt. Not to spend hours watching and cleaning up after your hellspawn. I really don't need a kid in my life. Especially one I didn't get to fuck a girl to make. Just because you don't care about your kid doesn't mean someone else does. Please crash your car on the way home and make sure the kid is in the front seat. (A bit harsh)


Stupid Teenage Girls (and sometimes boys)
"Oh my god, that's so cute!" "Blah Blah Blah Blah Fucking Blah" Shut the fuck up for a few seconds!! And no, we don't have "piercings". We have body jewelry and if you don't know the difference you should not be poking holes in your face. Also you can't actually get high from incense. Please find a stupid teenage boy and let him fuck you to death.

Stay Tuned.

The Finale still to come.

Worst Customers Ever Pt. 1

For those of you that don't know, I work at a gift shop. I'm a clerk. So everyday I have the supreme displeasure of dealing with the public. What follows are the worst types of customers I have to deal with on a regular basis.

Rednecks
Fucking rednecks. The shop I work at has a reputation as either a den of liberal sin or the cool place for stoners to hang out. So everyday I get to deal with at least one stoned redneck saying something racist about Obama or bitching about our anti republican stuff. Look dumb asses the store is named after a Beatles song so of-fucking-course we're all liberals. Not that you know any Beatles songs. After all they have no songs about drinking tequila before dinner or killing foreigners. Please shoot each other on the next huntin trip.

Old Burnt-Up Hippies
These people have smoked themselves double retarded. They can't even remember how to dress properly. Honestly it's easier to deal with mentally handicapped people than it is to deal with these idiots. At least you can make them happy. Please die of old age already.

Anyone who rides a "Longboard" skateboard
Seriously. It sounds like a stereotype but every person who comes in with one of those stupid things is a complete and utter douche. They either think they're surfers and therefore have that "I'm so fucking cool my shit smells like the ocean" attitude or they're so stoned that they can't even speak anything that resembles English. Mostly just ''Dude'' And "that's tight". Also they always smell like ass. Probably from riding around town without shirts all day, sweating. Please skate in front of a bus.

MORE TO COME.
BEING KICKED OFF COMPUTER.

The Awesomeness of Snickers Dark Bars and Disrepectful Youths

I worked a real shift today, 9:30 to 5. So around 12:30 I got my lunch break and decided to have a bagel sandwich. Delicious. I then went to the SunMart and bought a Snicker Dark Bar the best damn candy bar that has ever been made, ever, by man or by god. Seriously. Best. Enjoyed it as I walked back to work. A few stores from work I could hear some commotion. Three skater douche type teenagers yelling at at an old lady for parking in a spot that blocked their skating. Now if I had not been mellowed out by my Delicious Snickers Dark Bar I might have said something (and ran, those little fuckers are dangerous). Later I was so pissed. Like old man pissed. Fuck them hooligans. People have to park, assholes. Moral of the story? Snickers dark bars will solve any anger issues you might have. I might have. So I think I should eat them constantly. I can almost hear the fat jokes...
Also Fuck Teenagers.



And Skaters Douche Types.




Except Tony Hawk.



He seems like a nice man.