My Christmas Spirit

It's very cold outside and the sun is just barely breaking over the horizon. I've been up all night in feverish anticipation but you would never be able to tell it. My brothers and I are jumping around and almost shaking with excitement. We've been waiting in our room for that exact moment our parents told us we should wake up. We've all jumped into the bed with them to wake them and they have instructed us to stay in the hallway and wait for my dad to come get us. We stand as close to the end of the hall as we possibly can, jockeying for the best position. My dad seems to take hours to set up his video camera but finally we hear "OK boys, come on!". There are no words to express the feelings and the joy of the next few moments. Between seeing the lit up Christmas tree with piles of gifts under and four little piles of toys set out for each of us. There are gasps, screams, and my mother's eyes are full of joyful tears. Even the rock solid foundation of our family, my father, is a little glassy eyed. In between sifting through our toys and waiting for the signal to tear into the wrapped gifts there are hugs and "I love you"s for everyone. The one moment a year that no one is afraid to admit how important we all are to each other.

That is the way I remember my first 8-9 Christmas mornings. Those memories and feelings are, to me, the essence of "Christmas Spirit". As the innocence of childhood has faded it has become harder to capture that feeling. I find myself doing odd things in an attempt to find some this so-called Christmas magic. I go shopping listen to Christmas songs and bake cookies and drink eggnog and hangout with my siblings and family. I find great happiness in buying gifts and looking at the lights. I also donate money or time to charity to and find myself very empathetic to the plight of others. I even cry during Christmas movies! (It's a Wonderful Life anyone?) All of this is atypical to my normal behavior. But why? Why do I find all this acceptable only in December? Perhaps it's because every year for fleeting moments I feel exactly like I did when I ran out of that hallway. Something that, for me, is completely and utterly priceless.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

The Fourth Kind Review

I want to start off by saying that growing up, me and my father used to watch numerous shows and documentaries on alien abductions and UFO phenomenon. As a result I developed a fear of being taken in my sleep by extraterrestrials (no shit it used to scare the hell out of me) Something I have since grown out of. But I still hold a fondness for all things alien. But it give me a predisposition for liking alien themed movies and books.

The Fourth Kind is another Pseudo-doc movie that blends "real archival footage" with dramatized scenes. Milla Jovovich plays Dr. Abigail Emily Tyler, a psychologist, who practices in Nome, Alaska. After the mysterious death of her husband (in the bed right next to her) decides to continue with his research as a way to cope with his death. The project (psychological research) relating to a large number of Nome I want to start off by saying that growing up me and my father used to watch numerous shows and documentaries on alien abductions and UFO phenomenon. As a result I developed a fear of being taken in my sleep by extraterrestrials (no shit my biggest fear as a kid). Something I have since grown out of. But I still hold a fondness for all things alien and unexplained. But it gives me a predisposition for liking alien themed movies and books.

The Fourth Kind is another Pseudo-doc movie that blends "real archival footage" with dramatized scenes. Milla Jovovich plays Dr. Abigail Emily Tyler, a psychologist, who practices in Nome, Alaska. After the mysterious death of her husband (in the bed right next to her) decides to continue with his research as a way to cope with his death. The project (psychological research) relating to a large number of Nome residents having chronic sleep issues. As she interviews them she finds that they are all awoken around the same time by what they describe as an owl (a creepy fucking owl). She decides to hypnotize one of them and gets an extreme reaction. The rest of the story unfolds through more hypnotism and the slow unveiling of what is interpreted as nightly alien abductions. The movie is presented through a blend of both "real" and re-enacted footage. Many of the key scenes are viewed in split-screen. Cutting to only real footage for the most intense moments. The effect is largely effective. The fact that there is a possibility that the things you are seeing could have really happened add a lot to the movie. However the story does have some pacing issues. A few moments that have great build up, fall flat. The acting in the dramatic portion is good, not great. There are many interesting issues brought up in the film including ancient aliens and extraterrestrial god theory that (predisposition) are interesting enough to make some of the slower scenes move.

The biggest gripe I have with this movie is that end. (BIG SPOILERS TO FOLLOW)

One of the last scenes in the movie (one of many that I thought was THE final) we find out that Abigail's husband killed himself. The reason I have a problem with this is that you got the sense that that was the case the entire movie but that something involving the abductions was to blame. But that is never suggested. In the end it comes back as a way to discount everything that Dr. Tyler has been saying throughout the movie. It is suggested that she hallucinated her husbands’ murder and therefore could be lying about it all. It sort of feels like the "twist" is just a way of telling you "ha ha, it all could be bullshit".

With the end and pacing issues aside I was entertained by this one. There is definitely a need to suspend some disbelieve in regards to the "real footage" but if you do you get a movie that at times is very creepy and leaves you with some juicy things to debate ant discuss with your friends. I would recommend anyone who is interested in UFOs or Abduction Theory to goes see this one. If you are not that interested in that sort of thing I would say wait and rent it. having chronic sleep issues. As she interviews them she finds that they are all awoken around the same time by what they describe as an owl (a creepy fucking owl). She decides to hypnotize one of them and gets an extreme reaction. The rest of the story unfolds through more hypnotism and the slow unveiling of what is interpreted as nightly alien abductions.

The movie is presented through a blend of both "real" and re-enacted footage. Many of the key scenes are viewed in split-screen. Cutting to only real footage for the most intense moments. the effect is largely effective. The fact that there is a possibility that the things you are seeing could have really happened add a lot to the movie. However the story does have some pacing issues. A few moments that have great build up, fall flat. The acting in the dramatic portion is good, not great. There are many interesting issues brought up in the film including ancient aliens and extraterrestrial god theory that (predisposition) are interesting enough to make some of the slower scenes move.

The biggest gripe I have with this movie is that end. (BIG SPOILERS TO FOLLOW)

One of the last scenes in the movie (one of many that I thought was THE final) we find out that Abigail's husband killed himself. The reason I have a problem with this is that you got the sense that that was the case the entire movie but that something involving the abductions was to blame. But that is never suggested. In the end it comes back as a way to discount everything that Dr. Tyler has been saying throughout the movie. It is suggested that she hallucinated her husbands murder and therefore could be lying about it all. It sort of feels like the "twist" is just a way of telling you "ha ha, it all could be bullshit".

With the end and pacing issues aside I was entertained by this one. There is definitely a need to suspend some disbelieve in regards to the "real footage" but if you do you get a movie that at times is very creepy and leaves you with some juicy things to debate ant discuss with your friends. I would recommend anyone who is interested in UFOs or Abduction Theory to goes see this one. If you are not that interested in that sort of thing I would say wait and rent it.

Paranormal Activity Review (spoilers)

My hopes were very high for this one. The marketing was fucking brilliant made everyone think that missing this movie in theaters would be a huge mistake. In actual fact the mistake lies in spending nine fucking buck to see this piece of shit. The story revolves around a couple and a demon. The husband starts to film everyday activity to try to catch "paranormal activity" most of which happens at night. The scenes where the couple are sleeping and strange things happen in the room are actually good (chilling) but the problem is that they only last about thirty seconds. Then we are thrown back into some scene of the couple arguing or the husband trying to bone on camera. The entire movie builds up to these scary scenes and then when they come they're gone in an instant. Leaves me with some major movie blue balls. Also the character of the husband is totally unlikeable. So when the climax comes and he is killed you couldn't care less.

DO NOT PAY TO SEE THIS MOVIE. Wait until it comes out on video and make a friend rent it for you.

My Everyday Legend 2

It's been a little less than 2 weeks since I discovered I was the last man on earth. Things have been great (mostly). I spent the first few days collecting supplies and finding a place to set up my new home. A great place right on the water. It’s got a huge balcony over looking the yard and dock. I also have found a great boat that I can take down the river to go "shopping". It's been getting a little cold outside though so I have been using the cars more and more. I have pretty much everything I NEED now I go out for mostly comfort items. I think I have at least 600 DVDs by now. Only 40 or so are porn.

To my surprise the electricity lasted a good week and to days. It know comes on and off with random frequency. I have been setting up a radio tower (sort of) to see if I can get any signals. As much as I try to occupy my mind with doing all the cool stuff an empty city has to offer, I still find my self asking "what the fuck happened here?" But those thought rarely linger. I also found a dog. Some sort of mutt that had made his way on to one of the rivers little island. He was so helpless. I had to do something and now he just sort of stays with me. Gives me someone to talk to at least. There have been some strange things going on around sunset and sunrise. Strange winds and noises coming from far away. Might be my imagination. But sometimes I'm really glad to have the dog for the shallow comfort. It goes farther than you can imagine.

My Everyday Legend 1

I woke up this morning and found that I was the last living man left on earth. This came as quite a shock, as one might imagine, but after an hour or so I found it to be a very pleasant development indeed. Just think about it, no more having to deal with the idiotic whims of others ever again. No more lines, no more jobs, no more customers, no more traffic, etc. My very own paradise personified.

Now after a short time of bewilderment I decided to take a nice long shower. Knowing full well that without maintenance workers hot running water was not going to last long. I also decided I would do this in the house next door. I've lived only 20 feet from this house and never before entered it. Stuffy and smelled like old people. They did have a nice shower however, with a seat and removable shower head. Forgot my shampoo and not wanting to smell like old person hair I went back next door (nude) and grabbed my Herbal Essences. I finished my shower and found a nice suit in the neighbor's closet to wear for the day. Classy.

The next step was to make a list of things I would need and a list of things I’d always wanted.

That list follows:

Gas powered generators

Gasoline

Food

New house(s)

Guns (?)

Cars (tractor trailer full of sports cars)

Electronics

Video games

TVs

Cameras (video and still)

DVDs

Boat

Porn

That was just a rough list of what I was going to try to procure but the first step I took was scouring my neighborhood for the nicest car. It was of course the black Lotus in the garage across the street. After getting distracted while looking for the keys (stumbled upon a small box of sex tapes featuring my former neighbor, his wife, and another woman). I took the lotus out on the nearly empty freeway. After scaring the shit out of my self by trying to max the speedometer I decided that I should find more of a cruiser to do my supply collecting. Something like a 1968 Pontiac Firebird?

After finding more suitable transportation I decided to head to the mall. After all, the thing I hated most a bout the mall was all the people and that would obviously not be an issue any more.

To be continued…

How To Act Whilst Viewing A Film+4 Ten Word Movie Reviews

I love movies. I love renting movies, Netflix-ing movies, and most of all going to the movie theater. I see an average of 2 movies a week so I experience a lot of what I call "audience issues". In simple terms audience issues can be boiled down to one thing: assholes...and idiots...2 things. Here are a 2 unspoken rules of the theater that some people seem to have never learned.

1. Shut the FUCK up!

I'm here to watch and possibly enjoy a movie and that is made nearly impossible when the person in front of you or behind wants to talk about how their day is going or some such shit. Look if you must talk at least whisper. Also never talk to someone that is not sitting directly next to you. Seriously last time I went to a movie some stupid fake'n baked chick kept yelling down to the end of the row. She literally said: "hey...Hey...HEY...what's up?" God damn it! What the hell could she possibly be thinking. If you want to have a conversation go to a fucking Starbucks or some other douche bag gathering place. Another thing don’t verbally guess what's going to happen next in the movie. It does not make you cool that you know that there are zombies coming when the music picks up (just one example but you get the point).

2. Turn off Your Mother Fuck Cell Phone

They tell you at least 4 times before the movie starts so there is no excuse. If there is a situation in your life that you can't be unavailable to answer your phone then you should not be in a movie. Period. Text messages count too folks. I hate when I'm trying to watch and someone flashes their cell phone light in my eyes so they can read a text. Even worst is someone who answers their phone in the middle of the film. NEVER EVER DO THIS!! YOU FUCKS!! There was a guy at a showing I was at a few weeks ago that answered his phone during a death scene and said "What's up dude? ...not much just watching a movie..." NOT MUCH?! "JUST" WATCHING A MOVIE?! There are no curses in any language that express my hate for this man.

phew

venting over

now reviews

in ten words

or less

The Invention of Lying

Ricky Gervais being not funny enough. Jennifer Garner hot. Rent.

Pandorum

Better than you think. Amazing twist. Go see it soon.

Law Abiding Citizen

Seemed good, wasn't, could have been. Terrible end. Skip it.

Zombieland

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. See it NOW!

Better reviews in the future.

Hopefully.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen Expectations

The Autobots have been working with the government to kill the remainder of the of the Decepticons left after the death of Megatron. Sam is going to college and hoping to leave his battling robot days behind. Then surprise Megatron is alive and there is a new giant war coming to earth and Sam is the key to everything. Opitmus Prime dies, stuff blows up, people run, slow motion, we end up in Egypt, Sam dies then doesn't, Optimus prime lives, good guys win. As if there could possibly be anything unpredictable about a giant summer movie. I didn't hate it though, for the following reasons. Shia LeBouf. I think he is really likable and plays the mister run away, key to everything, get the way to hot girl, guy really well. It was also entertaining...if you could get past a lot of ham fisted attempts at humor, racists caricatures, unlikable supporting players, completely predictable summer movie brain melting explode-a-thons, and complete lack of real human drama. If you really liked the toys, the tv show or the first Transformers, you MIGHT like this one...or hate it. It's hard to say. The effects are OK. Pretty much everyone but the mains are terrible. Sams new room mate is almost unbearably annoying and in the back of your head you want him to be stomped to death by a Decepticon. There is also a lot more of Sam's parents in fallen and for some reason they have turned in to disgusting horny pot heads. You lose all attachment to them and then when they come back for the emotional climax and it fizzles. Also there are far too many transformers for you to really care which ones live or die. In the first one you really felt for the robots, which was one of the reasons I liked it. This movie proves that movies only need have a few thousand expolsions and a hot girl to make a billion dollars in the movie industry today. Such low expections. Sad Times.

So I'll use a scale of nerdboners for this one and Transformers 2: Revenge to the Fallen gets a 2 out of 5 (and the two are more chubbies than full blown Stallones)

Worst Customers Ever Pt. 3, The Finale/The Posers

Posers
There are so many types of posers that I'm going to break them down into 3 sub categories .

Peace Posers
These are the literally hundreds of people, who are obviously Bush-loving ignorant idiots, that for some reason now want to have peace signs on everything they own. They don't care about the war they just want to be trendy. It's ridiculous to suddenly start saying that you love peace and want to support it when a year ago you defended water boarding and invading Iran. Peace is not just a symbol you fucking r'tards. Peace is an ideal and if you support it then support it but don't be a poser. Please push that shiny new peace pin into your eyes and then drive blindly into traffic.

MMA Posers

Fucking guys who wear Tapout shirts. If your an mma fighter then cool (please don't beat me up) but if your not then never wear that shirt. You look like a douche and in fact are a douche. Seriously it's not that cool to look like a sweaty oily man hulk that is going to get his face punched in (or do some face punching) unless you are in fact that very thing (again please don't arm bar me or something). Another thing if you're fat and wear one of those shirts then you just look like a handler of sweaty oily man hulks. Even more gay! Please pick a fight with a real MMA fighter and remember to keep your hands LOW.

Hipster/Counter-culture Posers
These Fucking people. They have this I'm so fucking cool and ahead of trends that it's a pleasure for you to meet me. Get fucked. Listen Sven or whatever your stupid douche name is, you may listen to terrible indie music and wear retro shirts but you are not a rebel. Most of you idiot are far from counter culture. It doesn't count if you bought your retro shirt at the mall with money you got from working at The GAP. The only reason you wear a Andy Warhol shirt or talk about how much you hate MTV is because you think it will make people like you and you'll be accepted by the culture you "hate" so much. Also you can't be a counter culture hipster that works a Wal-Mart. Period. Or shops there. Period. Please wear you "cool" and "retro" outfit in to the wrong neighborhood and get shot.

Now I think I'll just list some other more specific customers that I hate

Kids
Super-old and senile people
Drunks
Most everyone buying body jewelry
People who think Weed The Game is ''cool''
People who ride Razor scooter and are not 5 years old
Pissy middle aged women
Pissy middle aged men
Tri-cities "Gangstas"
People who throw things in the store
People who want things off the wall then don't buy them
People who return things
People who ask why?
Guys with no shirts on
Jail bait
People with accents other then Irish, Scottish, English, and Australian
Girls who "think" they can pull off a tube top
Horny methheads
Methheads in general
Crackheads
Neo-Nazis
Way-too-gay guys (look I get it your gay that's fine. Take it easy, eh?)
People who I can't decide whether they are crack heads or mentally handicapped
The mentally handicapped (Without handlers. Harsh but it's scary you know?)
Idiots
Jackasses
Bitches
Fuckers
and
Most everyone else...

Randel: Yeah, I hate the customers at the video store too.
Dante: Which ones?
Randel: All of them...
-Clerks

Worst Customers Ever Pt. 2: Electric Boogaloo

More of the worst customers ever:

Juggalos
Fans of some of the worst fucking music in the world, The Insane Clown Posse (and their ilk). They never seem to have showered or care to ever shower. A particularly horrible fact considering they all wear black fucking clothes and walk everywhere (too poor for cars and too dumb for jobs). Worst BO ever. Seriously sometimes you can smell them before you ever see them. They Always have one idiot blaring some terrible rap/rock bullshit. The stupid hatchet man is on everything they wear. They are also obsessed with Faygo soda. Therein lies my joy. We used to carry Faygo soda until last year when the supplier went out of business. Now I take great pleasure in telling these idiots that we don't have it and you probably can't get it in the state anymore.
Please blare your terrible music until you bleed to death out of your ears.

Idiot Parents
Listen if you are irresponsible enough to have a little idiot version of yourself, you must now take care of it. I make minimum wage to come here and sell you stupid shit and fold shirt. Not to spend hours watching and cleaning up after your hellspawn. I really don't need a kid in my life. Especially one I didn't get to fuck a girl to make. Just because you don't care about your kid doesn't mean someone else does. Please crash your car on the way home and make sure the kid is in the front seat. (A bit harsh)


Stupid Teenage Girls (and sometimes boys)
"Oh my god, that's so cute!" "Blah Blah Blah Blah Fucking Blah" Shut the fuck up for a few seconds!! And no, we don't have "piercings". We have body jewelry and if you don't know the difference you should not be poking holes in your face. Also you can't actually get high from incense. Please find a stupid teenage boy and let him fuck you to death.

Stay Tuned.

The Finale still to come.

Worst Customers Ever Pt. 1

For those of you that don't know, I work at a gift shop. I'm a clerk. So everyday I have the supreme displeasure of dealing with the public. What follows are the worst types of customers I have to deal with on a regular basis.

Rednecks
Fucking rednecks. The shop I work at has a reputation as either a den of liberal sin or the cool place for stoners to hang out. So everyday I get to deal with at least one stoned redneck saying something racist about Obama or bitching about our anti republican stuff. Look dumb asses the store is named after a Beatles song so of-fucking-course we're all liberals. Not that you know any Beatles songs. After all they have no songs about drinking tequila before dinner or killing foreigners. Please shoot each other on the next huntin trip.

Old Burnt-Up Hippies
These people have smoked themselves double retarded. They can't even remember how to dress properly. Honestly it's easier to deal with mentally handicapped people than it is to deal with these idiots. At least you can make them happy. Please die of old age already.

Anyone who rides a "Longboard" skateboard
Seriously. It sounds like a stereotype but every person who comes in with one of those stupid things is a complete and utter douche. They either think they're surfers and therefore have that "I'm so fucking cool my shit smells like the ocean" attitude or they're so stoned that they can't even speak anything that resembles English. Mostly just ''Dude'' And "that's tight". Also they always smell like ass. Probably from riding around town without shirts all day, sweating. Please skate in front of a bus.

MORE TO COME.
BEING KICKED OFF COMPUTER.

The Awesomeness of Snickers Dark Bars and Disrepectful Youths

I worked a real shift today, 9:30 to 5. So around 12:30 I got my lunch break and decided to have a bagel sandwich. Delicious. I then went to the SunMart and bought a Snicker Dark Bar the best damn candy bar that has ever been made, ever, by man or by god. Seriously. Best. Enjoyed it as I walked back to work. A few stores from work I could hear some commotion. Three skater douche type teenagers yelling at at an old lady for parking in a spot that blocked their skating. Now if I had not been mellowed out by my Delicious Snickers Dark Bar I might have said something (and ran, those little fuckers are dangerous). Later I was so pissed. Like old man pissed. Fuck them hooligans. People have to park, assholes. Moral of the story? Snickers dark bars will solve any anger issues you might have. I might have. So I think I should eat them constantly. I can almost hear the fat jokes...
Also Fuck Teenagers.



And Skaters Douche Types.




Except Tony Hawk.



He seems like a nice man.

Fast Food VS Me

So I decided a while back to stop eating fast food for various reasons (money issues & my fat ass mostly). It is certainly not the first time I've done so. As a matter of fact it's probably the fourth of filth time this year alone. Now, the first week or so is usually pretty hard. Mostly out of habit or laziness I would want to just stop at McDonald's or something on the way home from work. After the first couple of times of resisting temptation it becomes much easier. After that first week fast food starts becoming more and more unappealing. You literally start to wonder why anyone, including your former self, would ever eat it. But...

There always comes a moment, sometimes months in when you get sneak attacked by fast food, like some kind of fat ninja. This last time I was able to avoid fast food for about two and a half months. I was all up on the high horse with my "I don't need that shit in my body" or "look at those people and their Big Macs, Ew". Then I come home from work one day and in the fridge was some left over Panda Express. MOTHER FUCK PANDA EXPRESS!!!! I LOVE IT. I decided I'd have some of the leftovers and that it didn't really count. Bullshit. I know. A god damned mistake. I know. I ate it anyway. I went about my evening and later went to bed. The next day I was off work and woke up at about noonish. Lunchtime. And the only thing I could even imagine eating was Panda-fuck-Express. With it's fucking cute fat tits panda mascot and delicious Orange Chicken.

I cant really blame Panda Express (or pandas) for my lack of will power. That was all me. I went and I partook. Orange Chicken. Chow Mien. Egg Roll. Largy Dr. Pepper. Next day my Fast Food fast was broken along with my spirits. It was all my fault too. Or there is cocaine in Panda Express food. Probably my fault. I'm currently planning a new and improved try at this whole thing. See if I can kick the shit for real this time. Wish me luck.

Soccer (football) Damn You!!

Wednesday the U.S. soccer team beat the number one team in the world, Spain 2-0 in the Confederations Cup. Spain had not lost a game in their last 35 international matches. The U.S. was final bound for the first time ever in a FIFA tournament. As a soccer fan this was the biggest upset of all time. Spirits were insanely high for us weirdos. Thursday Brazil beat South Africa 1-0 for the other spot in the final. Now a week ago there was no way any one would give the us a chance in hell against Brazil but after Spain, anything was possible. I was all over watching this game and excited as mother fucking shit. BUT....I worked all day on Saturday. Also it was Cool Desert Nights or as i call it: Idiot-asshole-dumbass-car-fuckers-horrible-cunt-cluster-fucka-rama featuring dumbest fuck customers ever. I came home and played Bad Company until way too late. I fell asleep until about 1:00pm on Sunday. I woke up to hear that the U.S. had blown a 2-0 halftime lead and lost 3-2 to Brazil. I was so fucking disappointed I turned the TV off without even watching the highlights. It's been a while since I had hope in anything at all, really and what happens? Disappointment. There you have it soccer proves that all hope is gone. No we can't.

MySpace Left Behind (#1)

For the longest time I've only been blogging through my MySpace profile. However since I started using Twitter (sweet-ish) MySpace (lame-ish) is falling by the wayside. There for I bring you my blog that is Not For Human Minds. (Warning my blogs will contain horrible language and lots of bitching and extremly personal informantion and sexually graphic content)